Getting Darker

About a month and a half ago, I turned 53.
Looking back over the course of my life so far, I have to consider my maintenance of this ongoing monologue with myself as my singular achievement so far. It have conducted it since childhood. Here’s how it goes: I listen; I talk; silence. I listen some more; I talk; silence. Is anyone out there?
Pathetically self pitying and self indulgent, I know. Another black mark to put down on the list.
But when I contemplate the current state of my life, I feel–apart from my significant role as primary caretaker of my little ones (a role that, though important, could be filled by someone else if necessary)–more and more useless. Perhaps “inessential” might state it more precisely. Not always, but increasingly. I seem to have nothing which I consider meaningful that the world wants.
Well, where do we go from here?
Cue the silence.

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2 thoughts on “Getting Darker

  1. Maybe the thing is to figure out what is essential to you, not what is essential to a world that things all sorts of shit is “essential”. What is essential to you, to your family, to your craft? Do that first, screw it if the world doesn’t value it.

  2. I remember the way caring for little ones made me feel just this way. Just my opinion, but it seems to me from a few years out that the one who fills this role, his rhythm, his style, his flow flavors the growing beings in your care mightily – it is just so close up as to be invisible. Who you are, what you like, what you listen to, what foods you prepare and eat, how you fill your days, the ease with which you accept yourself and others, the joy in the little things is absorbed within the ones so close to you – and irreplaceable to them is to be loved and cared for so beautifully – I think these teen thrashing years I’ve been experiencing have been buffered by the early loving days that we (my girls and I) spent together. I did go through dark nights of my soul in those days as well – and came out the other side. I do not mean to be a know it all – I just can feel this feeling with you and want to say I remember and I can relate – and perhaps encourage. Your expressions are felt!

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